


Inward Perception

by Lidsworth



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, One-Shot, Pre-Slash, What's new, eli is insecure about his upbrining and status as a imperial from wild space, request, thranto - Freeform, thrawn is hard to read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 10:26:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11011557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lidsworth/pseuds/Lidsworth
Summary: Eli wonders if Thrawn believes him a fool, considering he plays on his ineptitude during every single field mission.Unable to work with a man who takes him for an idiot, he decides to confront his commanding officer on the issue.The response is…unexpected





	Inward Perception

**Author's Note:**

> This was a tumblr request! Check it out on my [tumblr](http://inkstranger.tumblr.com/post/160964896864/flukeoffate-finished-d-summary-eli-wonders).   
> this was my first time writing for this pairing, and apparenlty I did it justice. So i wanted to share it with you all here. Please tell me what you think I thrive off of commentary.   
> Also, i'm my own beta, so beware of the mistakes.

Exhausted.

Eli Vanto felt exhausted. In both the body and in the mind.

Today had been like any other day working for Empire, which meant that Eli had returned to his quarters mildly injured and aching all over, courtesy of a rather tedious mission planet side. However, the physical injuries had been the _least_ of Eli’s worries.

With time, they would heal.  

The mental ones, however, were sure to stay. His embarrassing mistakes and shortcomings already replaying in his head a broken holo recorder.

Eli threw his pillow over his head, smothering his face with the soft fabric, as if the pressure would somehow expel the humiliating thoughts that plagued his mind.  

The Ensign wasn’t surprised when the darkness did the exact opposite, the self-imposed void only paving way for _more_ shame.

To be frank, the missed shot hadn’t even been the worst of his blunders.  In its entirety, the operation been a plethora of mistakes from the beginning to end, and now, with the fighting hours behind him, his mind had thought it a _perfect_ time to remind him of _all_ of his mishaps.

Every single one of them.

His stomach twisted in knots, his face heated considerably, and he felt like shrinking into his mattress as he was made to relive his numerous failures, one by one.

And as always, Thrawn’s remark had been the icing on the cake.

_“Do not worry, Ensign Vanto. I had counted on your misfire, as you call it,” Thrawn had explained as Eli came to him, fumbling out an apology after an embarrassing shot during a bout of crossfire, “without it, I never would have had the chance to set my plan into motion. And for that, I thank you.”_

Thrawn hadn’t _meant_ to be condescending, at least that’s what Eli told himself.  Nor had he meant to make it seem like the entire operation depended on the Ensigns ineptitude.

But that didn’t change the fact that his tone conveyed the exact opposite, regardless of what he actually meant. And in actuality, the young Imperial was still oblivious to the workings of the Chiss’ brain.  

So for all he knew, Thrawn might as well have been playing on his stupidity.

This conflict tore at Eli’s gut for the remainder of the evening, tormenting him into the waning hours of the morning (or what constituted morning, given that he was stranded on ship in space), leaving him groggy and restless by the time he swung his legs over the bed and forced himself to the restroom to prepare for the day.

He looked positively dreadful as he brought a tired gaze to the mirror, the revelation from the night before still ever present in his mind, darkening his already sour mood, thus dampening his outlook on the rest of the day.

And oh, then there was Thrawn, his commanding officer who he _would_ have to report to. His commanding officer who had been the source of his current dilemma.

His commanding officer who he would need to confront about his issue if he ever wanted to get a peaceful sleep again.

The decision, though sudden and brash, was a split second decision, and one made as Eli’s red, bleary eyed reflection stared back at him.

The solution hadn’t been hard to reach, in fact it had been the most logical thing to do. There was no point in letting Thrawn’s treatment of him gnaw away at his psyche, not when _one_ day of contemplation had already done so much to him.

He couldn’t even being to imagine what _years_ of service under such a strenuous relationship would do (actually, he _had._ His unraveled, dejected appearance had only been the beginning of what was to come if he refused to speak to his superior about his situation).

With little time to waste,  Eli sighed and headed to the bridge, where he knew Thrawn would be waiting.

* * *

Their conversation on the bridge had been a short one, as Thrawn had discussed his schedule with Eli, and was prepared to send then Ensign on his way.

“Sir, may I have a word?”

Formalities said and done, Eli jumped straight to business when the opportunity arose. There was no point in delaying the matter at hand, not when the effectiveness of his job depended on it.

“In private?”  He added quickly, before Thrawn made a spectacle out of Eli on the bridge with his questions.

At this, the alien raised a blue eyebrow, indicating his surprise at Eli’s demand. Though his expression, he schooled almost instantaneously, bewilderment fading with the softening of his features.

“Of course, Ensign Vanto,” Calmly, the words rolled off the alien’s tongue, tone nor stance indicating any previous discomfort, “Would my office suffice?”

“Yes Sir.”  

They walked to the office in complete silence, Eli’s forward gaze usually trained to his superiors back,  now diverted downward, towards the floor, taking in the dull reflection of his body bouncing off of the silver ground. It cleared his head, somewhat, gave him the opportunity to contemplate on how he’d go about the conversation, and what lengths he’d need to take in order make Thrawn understand his issue.

The walk was relatively short, though Eli supposed his anxiety may have elongated it.  

Thrawn settled himself behind is desk in silence, and Eli assumed his position standing before the Chiss, hands held behind his back, and head held up slightly, though his eyes continued to look elsewhere.

Now that he was _here,_ about to complain to Thrawn…he felt nervous.

“You wished to speak to me, Ensign Vanto,” Thrawn began, and much like Eli, wasted no time in diving into the issue.

Eli gulped dryly and leveled his eyes with Thrawn’s red ones.

No matter how he felt about his dilemma, presentation was _everything_ when it came to Thrawn. And if he wanted the alien to understand _why_ he was feeling the way he was, Eli needed to communicate his side efficiently. He supposed that he should have thought about this _before_ he presented his case to Thrawn (as the walk down the hallway hadn’t been nearly enough time to figure what was to be said during discussion). But at the time, his sanity and sleep schedule had been at stake (though if Eli really thought about it, he should have spoken to Thrawn when he was more sensible. He supposed that now, he was paying the price for his terrible planning).

“Yes Sir…” Eli inhaled slowly at this, squaring his posture as he prepared to procced.

Thrawn tilted his head at Eli’s change in posture, reclining slightly and folding his hands atop the desk surface.

Wanting to avoid an awkward silence, and end the conversation that was growing difficult to continue before it had even started, the Ensign spoke.

“Do you think I’m an idiot?”

He was blunt, perhaps _too_ blunt, given the subtle inclination of Thrawn’s eyebrows and the strange expression that he gave Eli. Of course, that was to be expected, somewhat.  The words had left Eli’s mouth before he’d a chance to properly convey them, and had essentially come off as a childish.

Inwardly, Eli cringed. He hadn’t meant for it to sound like that.

“Whatever has given you that—”

He cut the man off, fearing that he’d misunderstood what had been said , which considering the brashness, was understandable.

“ What I mean is,” he continued, carefully, adding context, intending to get his point across smoothly,  “it’s as if you count on me to be an idiot to put your plans into motion, and while I don’t mind you getting all the praise,” truthfully, Eli _did_ mind, but _that_ discussion was for another time, ”I _do_ mind me being the fool that’s standing right next to you. As if being the ensign from Wild Space wasn’t bad enough, now I’m _the_ _idiot_ from Wild Space. It’s just that,” Eli paused slightly, taking a breath as he persisted, “everyone here is looking at me _expecting_ me to fail or look stupid, just because of where I’m from. And  my ineptitude doesn’t help my case…especially not when you’re playing on it.”

It didn’t take very long for Thrawn to respond, and Eli wondered if he’d been anticipating his answer since the beginning of their exchange. He seemed invested in the conversation from the moment Eli opened his mouth, so it was no surprise that he was quick to answer.

Eli braced himself for the response, nonetheless.

“Eli, never once did I intent to make you feel lesser than what you are,” the sincerity in his voice took Eli by surprise, the genuine facial expression—which he believed a typically placid faced Thrawn, was incapable of making—made his stomach drop, “And If I have, I sincerely apologize. I only meant to emphasize your strengths.”

The latter was _not_ expected, and Eli stood dumbfounded at his superior’s words. _I only meant to emphasize your strength,_ Eli repeated in his head, slightly shocked, _what the hell is that supposed to mean?_

Was that supposed to be an insult (of course, Eli knew it wasn’t. Thrawn’s way of communicating what he meant wasn’t the best, but still…)  

Now it was Eli’s turn to raise an eyebrow, “Sir?”

Sensing Eli’s irritation, Thrawn  drew out his explanation almost instantaneously.

“Your mishaps, or ineptitude, as you call them, are your strengths,” explained the chiss, “as I see them. You are correct in that I, as you say, “play” on these during our missions on the field, but only because it’s what you’re good at. Without your skills, our missions never would have succeeded, now would they, Ensign”

Now he was _really_ confusing Eli.

“But—“   
  
Thrawn raised a hand, silencing the young Imperial.   
  
“The only one who sees your strengths as “inept” ensign Vanto, is you.”

Now _that_ left him completely speechless.  What on earth was Thrawn getting at? Eli was certain that he _did_ look stupid, after all, that’s what everyone else thought, right?

Right?

Or did they?  Eli _felt_ as If they did, only because of who he was, because of _what_ he was. But in actuality, no one had ever explicitly said that Eli was stupid. No one except himself, of course.  

Had he been so paranoid and so cautious about his upbringing that he’d let it cloud his judgment? That he’d let it cloud his perception of himself.

And of course, Thrawn’s genius didn’t help his esteem, but that didn’t mean he was an idiot.

Suddenly, he felt stupid. More stupid than he had when he’d walked into Thrawn’s office (but of course, _that_ wasn’t new).

At least…at least he knew that others hadn’t thought badly of him, not even Thrawn thought badly of him. In fact, they thought the exact opposite. And while one conversation hadn’t changed Eli’s perception of himself very much, Thrawn’s reassuring words were to set him on a steady path of self-evaluation.

“Oh,” Eli responded, his face growing incredibly red, then repeated. “ _Oh.”_

“Yes Thr—Sir,” he corrected himself, “And…thank you, sir.”

“You’re very welcome, Ensign Vanto,” at that, Thrawn leaned forward, removing a data pad from the drawer of the desk, and placing it atop of the smooth surface, “That said, I have some rather pressing matters to discuss with you.”

Eli took notice of Thranw’s change of tone, and straightened up immediately.

“Nightswan sir?”

“Nightswan,” replied the Chiss.

Eli finally took a seat. This was going to be long.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! please tell me what you thought of it, and also check me out on my [tumblr](http://inkstranger.tumblr.com/).


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